Signs you care too much about your blog.

According to ‘How I Met Your Mother’, blogs hit their peak about eight years ago. And according to my doctor (who recently wrote a diet book), there is no money in blogs. But that doesn’t stop me from spending half my day thinking about my blog.

You know you care too much when you start obsessing over it and doing the following:

1. Every time you meet someone new you always say, “Hey, read my blog.”

2. Every time you see an old friend you don’t say goodbye…you say, “Read my blog and sign up as a follower.”

3. You force your girlfriend and best friend to click on the Google advertisements on your webpage in order to make a whopping $2.07 in advertising revenue. (C'mon...who doesn't need Mechanical Bull Insurance?)

4. You check your blog page hourly to see if someone has written a comment.

5. You get overly-excited when you see a comment posted or a new follower.

6. Your facebook status and twitter feed is a continuous stream of daily links to your blog.

7. When people talk about something you have written about on your blog, you automatically scream out, “I wrote that in my blog.” And then get mad and ask, “Why aren’t you reading my blog?”

8. Anything you do in life automatically becomes a possible blog entry topic.

9. You spend your days thinking of catchy blog titles like “blogbrother” or “You don’t know Jack”.

10. You feel a bond with other people that write a blog. Like you’ve been to war together or something. And you're always down to guest-blog...

So my blog brothers...how many of these do you do every day?

How to Run a Successful Yard Sale:

“Your trash is my treasure.”

- Nick Serrano

I never fully understood that phrase until two weekends ago.

Yes, that's right readers...yours truly experienced his first ever yard sale. And I’m still trying to figure out what happened.

Did you know that almost everything you ever thought of throwing out or donating, someone else will pay money for? Not a lot of money. But they will pay. Ohhhhh, they’ll pay. But only if you do it right. And I’m going to tell you how with these five easy steps:

1. You ever see “Glenngarry Glen Ross”? Great movie. One of the best lines in the movie is when Alec Baldwin says, “A-B-C, A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing.” Well you need one of these sellers. Fortunately for us, we had one: My girlfriend’s sister - Janet. She could sell a water bottle to someone already drinking out of one. She could sell you size 24 jeans if you could barely squeeze into size 36’s. You got kids? Well you need a used stuffed animal. You got hardwood floors? Here are some nasty, used slippers for those cold winter nights. What’s that?? Your boy needs a new shirt? Take this “Beer is Best” t-shirt. Sure your boy is only twelve, but the shirt fits him perfectly. The lesson here…Always Be Closing. No matter what.
2. You think people are above stealing from a yard sale? You are wrong. They will steal from a homeless man if they can get away with it. That’s why you need security. And I’m not talking about the bouncer types sitting outside your favorite clubs or the bodyguards protecting the most famous celebs. All you need is a guy standing by the sidewalk with his feet shoulder width apart and arms crossed. That’s it. If he has on dark sunglasses, that’ll provide added fear.
3. Do a group yard sale. Everyone has crap to get rid of. Better yet; everyone has different, random stuff (this adds to variety of inventory). Split up the tables and the yard and no matter what, your yard sale will look packed. For example, our yard sale was shared between three different groups consisting of eight people. That meant at anytime, there were at least eight people standing around. And that’s HUGE...because people will feel awkward stopping by a yard sale if they are the only ones there. It’s like walking into one of those local shops on any popular tourist area (Times Square, Canal St., etc) but you’re the only one there. You’re more prone to leave without buying anything. Because just like those local shops that you find on every corner, there is a yard sale on every other block. There were at least three yard sales that we knew of in a ten block radius. But those were empty and the people selling were bored out of their mind. Why? Because it looked like a ghost town. If you can’t get other people to do the yard sale with you, or are just selfish and don’t like to share, then at least get friends to stop by and hang out. That gives off the same appearance.
4. Bring a dog. Doesn't even have to be yours. Dogs attract crowds. Once the crowd comes, you go into seller mode and drop step #1 on them. See how I brought that back full circle.
5. Offer free stuff. People love free stuff. You know how many people will wait outside in the freezing cold for free movie tickets…hundreds of people. You know how many people will wait to get into the MOMA for free on Fridays? Put it this way, don’t even bother to go unless you plan on getting there very early. You want to hold a training session or a conference at work? Just offer free food and the people will come. It really is that simple. You don’t even need anything fancy…just some homemade lemonade or iced tea and some munchkins. And like Field of Dreams, “The people will come.”
   (Sidenote: I was thinking of pulling a Crazy Eddie's and parking my car in the front and offering to sell it too. Even joking that if you bought enough merchandise, you get the car for free. Of course, I didn't. Instead I offered my friends house if you bought enough jewelry. Heck, it wasn't my house...)

So there you go. Five easy steps and you’ll be raking in more singles than Kraft. Bad joke? Well someone sell me that bad joke book you got as a gift a long time ago. Boom…lesson #1.

The Invention of Random Thoughts

For the loyal ten readers out there, by now you have probably noticed that every week I write a column called "Weekly Random Thoughts". Now despite popular belief, I did not invent random thoughts. The true story behind the invention of random thoughts is a complex and fascinating story:

It all began in the olden days of yore. There once lived an important and well known man named Sir Jonathan Bartholomew Rand (known to his friends as simply "Rand"). He was a man of stellar upbringings with a very important position within the community. Yet, he was not the brightest man. Nor was he the most eloquent speaker. Often times, mostly during pressing issues and other important matters, people in the town would ask him, "Rand, what are your thoughts?". But he would always reply, "Um". It became such a common occurance that many would joke that "Rand has um thoughts". As the years passed, the legend of Sir Jonathan Bartholomew Rand grew and the phrase, "Rand has um thoughts", became a popular saying for anyone that didn't know how to respond to a question. With the invention of slang, this became "Rand um thoughts" for short. Then with the invention of accents (thus causing mispronouciation), "Rand um thoughts" became "Random thoughts". With the advent of ESL classes, "Random thoughts" became defined as "the act or product of thinking in a haphazard way".

And that is how random thoughts was invented.

You won't learn that in Dave Allocco's History class. You're welcome.

How to win your fantasy football league.

It’s almost that time of the year. Fantasy football season baby!! In a month or so, the 2010 fantasy football magazines will start appearing at a newsstand near you. So prepare for lots of rankings, sleepers, busts, keepers, and my personal favorite…the experts guide on how to win your league. And as a so-called expert (I have finished last, 12th, 10th, 6th twice, 3rd, and 2nd in my fantasy football league), I get this question asked to me all the time. So without further ado, here’s my guide on how to win your FF league.

1. Find a group of 9-13 people who think football is that sport with the World Cup. If they don’t speak English, even better.

2. Anoint yourself treasurer of said league. Collect “fees” upfront.

3. Set up a date and time to do a live draft – preferably at an abandoned building or warehouse.

4. Find your old fantasy football magazines (preferably ones with Shaun Alexander, LaDanian Tomlinson, Priest Holmes, or Ahman Green on the cover). Give them out to your fellow league members as prep material.

5. Buy a draft board without the named stickers – instead buy blank stickers so you have to write in the names yourself. That way there is no confusion when someone can’t find that Jerry Rice sticker.

6. Hire scantily clad females to walk around during your live draft - thus distracting your fellow league members.

7. After each one of your league members makes a pick - say sarcastically, “Wow, that’s a great pick.” For example. With the first pick, Rich picks “Shaun Alexander”. You reply, “Wow, that’s a great pick”.

8. Wish everyone good luck. Change your phone number, email address, and move.

9. Repeat steps 1-8 above.